Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now So Fuck Off and Leave Me Alone!!!!!!!!!
Depression, a personal viewpoint by Shaun Doane

How many of you have suffered from depression? How many of you will suffer from depression sometime? No hands up? Well here's a newsflash, at least one of you has, or will.

I'm not talking about feeling a bit pissed off, no money, no partner, all the usual stuff, I'm talking about utter turmoil, pain so terrible you cant get yourself out of bed, let alone dressed.

It can start small, just a general feeling of melancholy, and you cant quite put your finger on why, but you just don't feel your usual self, and slowly it escalates.

You get the feeling your friends are avoiding you, or they are getting all the breaks, or your boss is out to get you, maybe your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/ whatever, isn't quite as happy to see you as before.

You convince yourself that it is all your fault, you're a bad person, ugly, useless, talentless, and no matter what anyone says to the contrary, you don't believe them, its all bollocks, they don't mean it.

So you start to shut up shop, you put up barriers and you wont let anyone in, and if anyone tries to get close, you go on the attack, you push whatever emotional buttons you have to, just to hurt them, just to let them know what it feels like.

That makes you feel like a turd, and so you turn in further on yourself, and you hate yourself even more, so what happens?

You do the same things over and over again, snapping, snarling, ignoring, hurting.

If you look at my life, I've got it all apparently, married to a woman I am crazy about, a beautiful daughter, nice house, car, job, singer in a band, a few good mates, everything's cool.

Except I hate myself, I hate the way I look, I hate my job, I hate the fact I'm not a successful singer/writer/whatever, I hate my life basically, and as far as my mind can see, the world and everyone in it would be better off if I just took myself to the nearest deep stretch of water, tied a concrete block to my legs and jumped the fuck in.

See?

I ramble a lot, my mind wont slow down, let up, and the more I hate myself, the more I push my family away.

Anything can trigger depression, work stress, exam stress, money worries, relationship problems or break ups. Its also worth knowing that something from the past, however small and insignificant, can fester over the years and then jump up to kick you in the nuts when you least expect it.

Depression is an illness, but it doesn't have to be terminal, there is help if you want it. Counselling is one option; it helped me, just to have someone neutral, a stranger, to listen, and not judge, and to offer some ideas about where all this started.

Anti-depressants are also a choice, although in my humble opinion, not a long-term solution.

What I'm trying to get across, is that if you are feeling like this, don't bottle it up, its not easy to control, and it takes time to recover, but you can recover.

I'm not there yet, but I'm getting there.

See your GP or call the Samaritans, they can put you in touch with caonselling.

Needing help doesn't make you a loser; neither will asking for help.

Lecture over, get to the bar, mine's a Guinness.